Wednesday, March 16, 2022

OK

So the Ukraine Thing is becoming very strange, turning inside out. Just what is going on, we don't know, partly because there is almost no non-narrative based on the ground reporting, no livestreaming, no embeds, no honesty, either. 

It's all propaganda, every bit of it, at least up to now. This is the ninth-tenth-thirteenth-fourteenth day since the Russian incursion. We've seen the same building blow up again and again, the same satellite still image of the same long-long convoy stalled outside Kiev/Kyiv, the same crying woman in the subway, the same neonatal unit in the bomb shelter, the same hospital bombed to smithereens, the same pregnant woman carried away from the ruins... well, it's the same over and over.

Now we're told that the assault on the nuclear plant wasn't quite what we were told before. The reactors were never in danger, there was no radiation leakage, the Ukrainian staff is still on the job, the Russians are in control of the plant, nothing to see here, move along. 

And so on. Again and again, "Move along."

One thing I've made note of repeatedly is that Putin's grievances have some basis in fact, and yet that does not justify an invasion. USandNato propaganda insists there is no basis for Russian grievances. No Nazis, no genocide, no oppression of Russian speakers, and furthermore Ukraine has always existed, and Ukrainians and Russians are totally different people. This is absurd.

Ukraine is a democracy dagnabbit! 

Uh. No.

But let's get some clarity, ok? If our rulers actually believe the bullshit they're spewing, then we've got to come to grips with some things and we better do it quick. I think it was DW that did one of the more interesting "fact checks" on Putin's grievances, declaring them all "false" and yet in the little explanations, admitting they were all at least partly true.

Let's see if I can find it.

Ja, here we go.  

First grievance and objective: "Denazify" Ukraine.

DW declares it "false" because someone in Sweden said that Zelensky is Jewish and was elected by an overwhelming majority (true)... therefore.... what? There are no nazis in the government and military of Ukraine?

Wellllllll, not exactly.

The entire propaganda apparatus in the USandNato uses the formula that because Zelensky is Jewish and was elected by an overwhelming majority, Putin's complaint about Ukrainian nazis is bogus.

Let's see what DW says further about it, tho: "there are far-right groups..." and during the Euromaidan uprising "individual far right groups" (whatever that means) were involved, but today, far-right groups like the notorious Azov Battalion are integrated into the Ukrainian National Guard, so.... what? Not nazis now? Or what? 

And while there have been scandals regarding the far-right in the Ukrainian military they were exposed, So... so...? Again, they admit a basis for the complaint but deny its validity because "Zelensky is Jewish."

This is absurd, but oh well. Let's go on.

Complaint: Nato troops advancing toward Russia's borders. Is this true? DW says it's "misleading" and then admits it is true, getting more true every day, only it's not in formation, so what's the problem, eh?  Ukraine is not (or was not) being admitted to Nato despite all the alliances, bases, and training with Nato that were in place and expanding prior to the Russian invasion. It wasn't just Ukraine. Oh no. 14 formerly Warsaw Pact countries have joined Nato, four of them bordering Russia, and they all have Nato troops and ordnance on their borders. 

Complaint: Russia must defend itself from Nato aggression and the independence of Donetsk and Luhansk under the UN Charter chapter 7 article 51.

This gets tricky. Russia launched a preventive war which UN charter allows under very limited circumstances which Russia has invoked but Nato denies. Russia claims that Nato activities and troops on its borders are a provocation and a threat; Nato's activities in Ukraine were explicitly a threat to Russia, and the Zelensky government made other explicit threats (including reacquiring nuclear weapons) which precipitated action by Russia against Ukraine.

This argument is essentially the same one the USandNato used against Afghanistan and Iraq, the first with UN concurrence, the second without. Does this constitute "justification?" Well, obviously, if the USandNato does it, yes. If Russia or any other nation (except Israel) does it, no.

Complaint: Genocide by Ukrainian nazis against Russian and Russian speaking civilians. Again, tricky. "Genocide" has a very specific definition in international law, and what the Ukrainian civil government, armed forces and militias have been doing since 2014 technically fits that definition, though the scale of "genocide" in Ukraine is debatable. And it is genocide against Russians and Russian speakers within the borders of Ukraine. Indeed, since the start of the Russian incursion, it's only gotten worse, with rumors of nazi-ish death squads activated to liquidate pesky-Ruskies who've not fled to Russia or the Donbas already.

There is no genocide according to DW because there haven't been any documented "mass killings" of Russians and Russian speakers -- despite the fact that there have been -- and even if there weren't, "genocide" is not at all limited to Babi Yar type mass executions of many thousands at one go or to Auschwitz type extermination camps. Of course DW -- and all the rest of Western propaganda media -- knows this, but what they know doesn't matter when the truth is to be masked no matter what in service to a narrative.

And that narrative says that Russia's behavior is bad -- it is. That narrative says that Ukraine's behavior is above reproach -- it isn't. That narrative claims that the USandNato are doing their utmost on behalf of enabling Ukraine to defend itself without going directly against Russia -- debatable. And that Ukraine and the USandNato have never, ever done anything to antagonize the Russian bear -- demonstrably false.

I've been an anti-war activist since Vietnam, and I'm not about to change my stripes now. I have no brief for any side in this conflict. They're all wrong and they're all doing wrong in a very dangerous Guns of August - Missiles of October manner for which there is no excuse, none. Our ruling classes are out of their minds, following urges that date back very far but which are invalid in the current circumstance. In fact, there are so many far more important things they should be dealing with but utterly refuse to. They want war and they will have it come what may.

We the rabble have no choice in the matter.

Welcome to Eternity.

Sunday, February 27, 2022

Puffy Putin and His Long-Long Tables

Note has been taken among the Western Propaganda Media -- and some others -- that Vladimir Vladimirovich is looking distinctly unwell with a very puffy face and an odd for him demeanor. His fury at Ukrainia is really uncharacteristic. Yes, I realize there's this whole "projection of strength" thing, but this guy has been around for practically ever, and most observers have taken his measure and got his number, and his recent appearance and actions are just "not like him." Something is going on. 

And then there is the whole business about those long-long tables in those gigantic white-white rooms in the Kremlin at which he has his meetings and conferences. He sits at one end and those who wish to speak with him sit yards and yards away from him. And then what? Yell? It's very odd. Commentary suggests he's paranoid of catching the Covid. But... why? We've seen Trump, Boris, and Bolsonaro among others get it and get it bad and come through with the kind of treatments that are only available to the rich and powerful, and so, Vlad should be fine even if he gets it. 

But then, there's the whole "puff-face" business. That is often a consequence of taking cortico-steroids like prednisone and such, and there are other meds that do it, like cancer drugs. So.... could there be something going on where his immune system is all bolloxed (such as with cancer treatments and other conditions) and thus his wariness of sitting near someone who might be a carrier? Has he been poisoned? 

And then there's the question about his behavior. I was certainly surprised when he ordered a full-on invasion of Ukraine. From the outside looking in, it was stupid, and he is not stupid. There is no clear objective -- "demilitarize and denazify" is all well and good, but this isn't even close to doing that. And why now instead of in 2014 when it was more doable if you will? And actually, it was expected then. 

Instead, he just sat back and watched.

Hm.

What gives? Dunno.

It's not just Putin, tho. Far from it. 

Paul Jay did and interview with Lawrence Wilkerson wherein they discussed some of the oddities of this latest round of conflict. They correctly see it as a contest of oligarchies -- American, European, Russian and Ukrainian. This is not, at all, about "Democracy vs Autocracy." Jeeze, whoever came up with  that one must have been on drugs. It's oligarchs against oligarchs. The working class has no say. Very much a la WWI. Which is not a good thing. Far from it.

There are strategic military objectives, but regime change in Kiev/Kyiv (the correct pronunciation of which  no one quite knows or agrees on... the best one seems to go something like "KREE-iv") isn't one of them. Occupation of the whole of Ukraine isn't one of them. Destruction of Ukraine isn't one of them. Strategic military action would focus essentially entirely on "Novorossiya", the east and south, and essentially ignore the rest ("Banderastan")

And yet from appearances, Russian troops are flailing around, sort of trying to "take" the big cities in the north -- Kiev, Kharkov -- and advancing on Mariupol and Odessa in the south without really defending Donetsk and Luhansk in the Donbas. 

We keep hearing about the Siege of Kiev/Kyiv, but that doesn't really seem to be happening. The airport was apparently taken by Russian troops. And every now and then a missile is lobbed toward the city hitting sort of randomly, but there doesn't seem to be a "siege." Same with Kharkov. 

In the south, there's little word, so it is not clear what the Russians are doing. It has been reported, maybe true or not, that the Ukrainians are fiercely shelling the breakaway republics and there is little or no Russian counter offense or defense. 

And now we hear veiled references to "nuclear deterrent" from Moscow. The USandNato have never disavowed First Strike with Nukes, so Moscow is understandably concerned, yet...

It reminds me a bit of all the people running around screaming that Hillary was going to start WWIII with her talk of a No-Fly Zone in Syria. Huh? No. Not gonna happen. All out nuclear war takes two to tango, and from all appearances what they were screaming about was that Putin would respond to a No-fly Zone with nuclear weapons, and there was no sign at all of him doing that.

So was the screaming just partisan bullshit? I think so, yes. But with current events in mind, I wonder. Was there something else going on?

Was there a plan in place to goad Russia into doing something.... erm... unwise (like a full on invasion somewhere) that would enable the implementation of the Russia-Project (ie: its dismemberment and de-nuclearization among other things) as a "defensive" measure, a plan to be executed with Hillary in the Oval Office?

A plan that was interrupted but not cancelled by the unexpected installation of Trump.

So now with Biden in office it is being executed "at last". Putin has done his part by invading Ukraine -- and flailing around and now by "talking nukes."

The point from The West is to destroy/dismember Russia. This has been a goal since the 1990s. Once that's done, move on China.

But the whole plan started with destroying the Middle East. Followed by Iran -- which still hasn't been done. Then Russia. Then China. With the idea that China would surrender rather than be destroyed.

Well. 

Here we are.

Spring's coming. So at least there's that...



Thursday, February 24, 2022

The Russian Invasion of the Ukraine -- or Something

I'm just catching up with some of the overnight news on matters Russian and Ukrainian. No, I really didn't expect what I've been seeing, and what I'm seeing is not (quite) the "all out invasion" that has been predicted in Washington, London, and Brussels for months. It's something else. A sort of Russian net thrown over the Ukrainian Republic (as it came to be styled in Soviet times) to be reeled in -- or not -- at leisure. In other words, it seems the Kremlin/Putin is seeking to control Ukraine from afar, but not to possess its rotten hulk.

Hmm.

Putin's recapitulation of Russian/Ukrainian historical connections seems pretty accurate to me. Revisionism is strong in the West, and the assumption of long time Ukrainian full "independence" from Russia is simply absurd. There never was such a time. Russia and Ukraine are so intimately intertwined historically that it is all but impossible to disconnect them. 

But the Kagan clan (including that Horrible Nuland Person) at State (and similarly minded colleagues in London and Brussels) together with a passel of NGOs (some funded by Pierre Omidyar) and a vicious cohort of Ukrainian Nazis (I mean the real thing) and fascists have been hard at work trying to do just that. 

Why?

For the Horrible Nuland Person, it seems to be very deeply personal. I don't know what the deal with her is. She has Ukrainian Jewish ancestry, and I can well imagine that her Russophobia comes from ancestors who faced pogroms during the fading days of the Russian Empire, but... damn all. Hooking up with actual Ukrainian Nazis to de-Russify the Ukraine? It doesn't make sense. The pogroms were horrifying, but the Ukrainian Nazis were loading Jews into the transport trains when they weren't machine gunning them on the spot. These people exterminated Ukrainian Jews in great numbers and way too recently to be "forgiven." 

The Russians in their Soviet garb did not. If anything, they were much rougher on the Orthodox Church; something not happening now.

It was pointed out in some post I saw recently that much of the current Ukrainian oligarchy and government including Zelensky is Jewish, and in effect, the Nazis and fascist militias and security forces have been operating to protect them and on their orders. Turn about? I don't know.

So whatever the Kagans and the Horrible Nuland Person are doing, it isn't (quite) out of an implacable historical need for revenge for things done to Jews in Ukraine and Russia. It's something else, something even darker. But I don't know what.

The Vindman Twins (also Ukrainian Jews) might have some insight, but they've been holding it close to their chests. I think they know what is going on and pretty much why, but for whatever reason, they stay pretty quiet about it. They are as anti-Russian as the Kagans, though not so belligerent.

Both Ukraine and Russia are effectively captive to oligarchs who managed to steal everything of value as the Soviet Union collapsed. They hold on to their ill-gotten gains very tightly. It is my (limited) understanding that though Ukrainian oligarchs and Russian oligarchs are rivals, they are also interrelated, and both sets of oligarchs launder their money in the US and Britain and elsewhere, and they are deeply tied into the Western looting and finance economy (and the Trumps as well as -- apparently -- the Bidens). In other words, they're all kleptocrats, and for some unknown reason (at least to me) they all expect to profit handsomely from this war, if war it is.

I won't say it's a Phony War, but it was really unexpected by me. I thought Putin was smarter than this. Russia and the United States and Nato do not need a physical (what do they call it? "Kinetic"?) conflict right now. There are too many other pressing crises. Or....? Are the other pressing crises the reason for this diversion? Is it a diversion?

Russia, Ukraine, Europe and North America (US and Canada) are all facing crises that could conceivably lead to disintegration. The underlying crisis is irreversible climate change forcing huge population and economic disruptions that can't be stopped or avoided. We long ago passed the tipping point, and there's no way out now. The West and Russia have not taken these matters seriously -- at least not for most of their populations. On the other hand, China among others in the East is taking it seriously and has been taking mitigation actions. 

Putin was mighty angry as he announced his intentions the other day. Mighty, mighty angry. He had his reasons, but still. What is this really all about at bottom?

One thing it obviously is is "catapulting the propaganda." The messaging war may be the most important factor. Detaching or reintegrating Ukraine from/to Russia seems the least of the interests. Who can tell the most compelling story, create the most believable narrative seems to be the underlying motivation. The Western version strikes me as simply revisionism,  but isn't Russia's story revanchist,? Are they tussling over territory or is it legitimacy? Or both?

I wish it weren't happening. There are too many other things that need to be addressed. Our political leadership chooses not to address those things and instead has decided that "warfare" is the most important thing. They're mad, quite mad. And that goes for Vladimir Vladimirovich as well. They need to back off, sit down and shut up.





Wednesday, February 23, 2022

The Ukraine Thing

I think back to what I witnessed via livestream in 2014 in Kiev and Odessa, and I have a hard time finding fault with Vladimir Putin's rage-speech declaring the non-existence of "Ukraine" -- well, at least without the intervention of Lenin and the Soviet Union.

Seeing him as angry as he was during the speech was startling, though, as his implacability has been one of his consistent characteristics. Commentators are having a hard time figuring it out as they've never seen anything quite like it from him before. 

Baiting the USandNato the way he has been seems terribly unwise, and yet there it is, the Bait, and where it leads, who knows. 

What was going on in Kiev and Odessa among other places around Ukraine back in 2014? I wrote considerably and passionately about what I saw going on in those places during and shortly after the Maidan uprising and coup. It was shocking to say the least.

Most of the many videos that I posted then of what was going on, the violence and the murders, the Right Sektor rampages, and so on are gone, but some are still available, and reviewing it now is disturbing. The parallels between some of the aktions of the Right Sektor and the insurrectionists and their fans in the US and elsewhere is remarkable. So, is there a "system" in play?

This is one of the posts from those terrible days. Most of the video links are now dead, but there is plenty of description of what they showed.

Another post from back then

A video summary of the events surrounding the burning of the Odessa Trades Union building on May 2, 2014 with English subtitles. 

There are many, many more. I was horrified and disgusted by what I was witnessing, and I furiously despised the Americans and Europeans who were encouraging it. 

It's a wonder Russia didn't intervene more than it did. On the other hand, it seemed that Putin wanted the whole world to see what these Ukrainian fascist thugs were doing. When they show you who they are, believe them.

The current anti-Russian propaganda mirrors what was going on then. Let's hope the outcome isn't as dire.

Monday, February 21, 2022

Ida Bailey Allen's Recipes (1952)

Let's have some fun.

Ida Bailey Allen's Step-by-Step Picture Cookbook (1952) has been sitting on our cookbook shelf for many years, and I just recently opened it out of nostalgia and curiosity. It brought back a lot of memories of the way families ate in Boomer times, and the way my mother cooked and we ate at my house in suburban Los Angeles too.

That way is not what's shown on the cooking shows on teevee. Far from it. Most of them seem to be obsessed with recreating at home the specialty dishes of various regions (a la Cook's Country) or high end restaurants that do crazy things (a la America's Test Kitchen).

That wasn't the approach in Ida's day.

Instead, most of her recipes are quick and easy, down to earth, using commonly and easily available ingredients, including things you would NEVER see on a cooking show (canned fruits and vegetables? Ack! Frankfurters? Get out!).

So here's one to begin: (I ate this when I was just a wee-sprout)

CREAMED FRIZZLED DRIED BEEF (aka "Shit on a Shingle")

Melt two tablespoons butter or margarine in a skillet.

Add a quarter pound shredded dried beef and slow cook about 2 minutes or until the edges curl

Sprinkle over 4 tablespoons of flour and blend. Remove from heat.

Slowly stir in 2 cups of whole milk.

Cook, stirring constantly over low heat, until smooth and thick. 

Serve on toasted English muffins, or squares of very thin "lightning corn bread," or on buttered toast.

I'm not sure you can even get dried beef (not jerky -- it came in glass jars) these days. But this meal was simple, quick and easy, and the result was filling and (usually) tasty.

Here's another:

BUTTER CAKES (something like English muffins, but a lot easier)

Ingredients:

 2 3/4 cups sifted enriched flour

1 teaspoon baking soda

1 teaspoon salt

1 1/2 cups buttermilk or soured milk

1 egg yolk

1 tablespoon melted butter

Combine flour, salt, and baking soda and sift together 3 times.

Make a hole in the center, add 1/2 cup buttermilk mixed with egg yolk. Add melted butter and remaining milk; stir till liquid is absorbed. 

Turn onto floured board. Knead with the hands until almost smooth. 

Pat 3/4 inch thick; cut into biscuits; cover with waxed paper. Let stand 2 hours. 

Slowly fry in shortening on a heated griddle; allow 10 minutes. Turn once. 

Easy peasy. One thing we don't do any more is to sift flour. Not sure why it fell out of favor but you hardly see it any more. Also, cup measure of flour is often replaced by weight measure. Assuming, of course, you went out and bought a kitchen scale.

Another:

CHILI TAMALE LOAF FOR LUNCH

(I know I said there were no Mexican or Asian recipes in this cookbook. I was wrong. This one is definitely "Mexican.") (And for what it's worth, yes, my mother fixed something like this from time to time when I was young.)

Ingredients:

1 cup cold water

1 cup enriched yellow corn meal

5 cups boiling water

1 teaspoon salt

1 (1 pound) can chili con carne

Mix corn meal with cold water; add to boiling salted water; cook and stir till thickened.

Reduce heat, cook 15 minutes.

Pour into a loaf pan and chill until firm.

Unmold in a shallow baking pan. Slice in half lengthwise. Spread chili con carne between layers and on top. 

Bake in a moderate oven, 375 ° F, for 30 minutes. Slice and serve hot.

As i say, my mother made something like this sometimes. On the one hand, she'd make the corn meal mush and serve it for breakfast, fried, buttered and drizzled with syrup. Loved it. On the other, she'd serve fried mush with canned chili for lunch or dinner. On occasion, she'd make what she called Tamale Pie, canned chili mixed with canned corn and black olive slices topped with corn bread mix baked in the oven. 

And then to wind up, an Asian dish. Or is it "Asian?"

PEPPER STEAK ORIENTAL

Ingredients:
2 tablespoons cooking oil
1 peeled section garlic, minced
1 pound round or flank steak cut in thin slivers
1 teaspoon Kitchen Bouquet
1 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon ginger
1/4 cup minced onion
2 green peppers cut in strips
1/2 cup sliced celery
1 (3 ounce) can sliced broiled mushrooms
1 tablespoon cornstarch
1/2 cup well-seasoned chicken broth or 1/2 cup water and 1/2 chicken bouillon cube

Put oil in heavy frying pan. Add garlic. Place over moderate heat until fairly hot. Blend together Kitchen Bouquet, salt, ginger and sprinkle over meat. Add to frying pan and cook, uncovered, stirring frequently until the meat is brown, about 10 minutes. Add minced onion, green peppers, celery and mushrooms. Cover and simmer 10 minutes. Blend together and stir in corn starch and chicken broth. Cook, stirring constantly, until sauce thickens. Serve with hot, flaky rice.

Some thoughts about this recipe. It's much more complicated than most of them. Many more ingredients and more complex cooking techniques. Obviously trying to Americanize wok cooking without actually acknowledging it. On the cooking shows, you'll occasionally see wok cooking, as well as American kitchen adaptations using skillets. 

The use of Kitchen Bouquet (when was the last time you saw or used it?) instead of soy sauce is interesting. No mention of soy sauce at all. I remember going out to a Chinese restaurant when I was a kid. I always had chop suey. And always on the table was a bottle of soy sauce, one of those roundish ones with pour spouts on each side of the red cap. I would load up my chop suey with soy sauce until I learned you didn't have to. 

Come to think of it, Kitchen Bouquet is similar in flavor. It's sweeter and much stronger, but perhaps in this dish you couldn't tell the difference. 

The "flaky rice" is a method of cooking. Basically rice steamed with somewhat less water than you would think necessary (1 1/2 cups water, 1 cup rice, 15 minutes.)

Here are Ida's instructions for cooking pasta and noodles:

For 4 persons, allow 8 ounces high protein elbow macaroni, short cut spaghetti, or noodles broken in 2 inch lengthsl or use 8 ounces shells or fancy shapes. (This amount will measure from 2 to 2 1/4 cupfuls.) Put 4 cups water in a 2 quart saucepan. Add 1/2 teaspoon salt. Bring to a rapid boil. Stir in the macaroni product. Cover and boil until tender to your taste, from 14 to 18 minutes. Stir at the end of 10 minutes. Reduce heat and cook slowly the remaining time. The macaroni will absorb almost all the water. Do not drain. Just add the butter or spaghetti sauce or other ingredients and heat. This method saves all the nutrients and full flavor. Saves time and trouble, too.

The Chef adds:

Add a 1/2 tablespoon of salad oil to the cooking water for macaroni products so the pieces will not stick together. 

(Heresy!)


 

 

Saturday, February 19, 2022

To Cook: 1952 vs 2022

We moved to Los Angeles (County) in 1953 from California's Central Coast. It was culture shock for me, but when you're as young as I was, these sorts of shocks fade quickly. I remember the big black high-legged '30s stove we had at the old house but not any cooking done on it. That came later, in Los Angeles, on the Wedgewood stove my mother bought -- along with an old and wheezy Frigidaire, and a new Kenmore automatic washing machine. Before that, she'd used a countertop washer. I remember it, but not the clothes washed in it.

What I remember of cooking in the early '50s was a lot of fried food (chicken, steaks), some things done in a pressure cooker (stew and stuff), boiled vegetables, toast, canned food, mac and cheese made with Velveeta, bacon and eggs, etc. It wasn't fancy, but it was filling.

Recently I came across a cookbook I'd forgotten we had: Ida Bailey Allen's Step-by-Step Picture Cookbook, and I thought about how it presented pretty much the standard kitchen fare of the Post-War, suburbanite era, and how that fare differs from what is presented today.  I'll use the television cooking shows such as Cook's Country and America's Test Kitchen as examples.

Let's talk about stoves, first. 

In the early '50s, we had one of the Southern California standard gas stoves, a Wedgewood. The other and somewhat fancier standard brands were O'Keeffe and Merit and Gaffers and Sattlers. I'm sure there were others, but those were the ones encountered most often. They were white almost always. Later in the '50s, stoves came in colors, turquoise, yellow, pink and such, but in the early '50s no. I never saw a colored stove until I was practically a teenager.

Ours was white and 30" wide, not a common size in those days. Most were 36" or 40" wide, but today 30" stoves are standard and larger sizes are considered luxurious. 

Almost all the stoves I remember in the early '50s were gas; I can recall only one electric stove in a neighbor's house, and the reason why electric stoves weren't popular was that gas was much less expensive than electricity in Southern California. I would see almost all electric stoves in Sacramento in the late '50s because electricity was much cheaper than gas thanks to public ownership of the electric utility.

In the 1952 cook book, the stoves seen are all gas, and all similar to the ones I knew as a child, though they appear to be older, pre-War models. 

The standard cookware was Revere Ware copper bottom pots and pans and cast iron skillets. In the cook book a lot of glass pots and pans are used, but most people didn't have them. Bakeware was plated steel or aluminum as well as glass. 

There are no microwaves or toaster ovens. No convection ovens (actually they did exist but were considered eccentric). There are three types of coffee makers: percolator, vacuum pots and drip pots (not the Italian espresso pots). No Mr. Coffee and its ilk, no specialty coffee makers, no Keurigs. No food processors or individual serving blenders. Electric small appliances included toasters, percolators, and by the mid '50s there were Waring and Oster blenders, Sunbeam (and a few other brand) stand mixers, as well as electric frypans, corn poppers, and deep fryers, but they weren't really common. We did not have a blender or a mixer (a hand-operated egg beater was good enough), and we didn't usually have a working toaster, either. My mother would toast the bread under the broiler. 

I remember we bought unsliced bread and had the man slice it for us at the grocery store on this scary machine with dozens of fast moving blades. We also had meat ground before our eyes for hamburgers. The grocery store we shopped at was small, old, had a wooden floor that creaked, a long meat cabinet, very little frozen food, and a limited selection of fresh fruits and vegetables. I don't remember them ever having fresh fish. The most important thing for my mother was Coca-Cola in 6 oz bottles in an aluminum carrier. She loved Coca-Cola as her drink of choice as she didn't drink coffee (couldn't stand the smell, she said), and she didn't drink alcohol.

One of my favorite dishes as a kid was egg noodles with butter and bread crumbs. I've never seen it in a recipe book and it isn't in Ida's Picture Cook Book. Butter. We always used butter, never margarine. When I was out on my own, I bought margarine because it was so much cheaper than butter, but then by the time I got into senior citizen territory, I switched back to butter, no matter the cost -- and sometimes it's ridiculously expensive.

My mother would not use margarine for the reason that when she was first a housewife in the 1930s, margarine was sold in white blocks (looking like lard or Crisco) with a little squeeze tube of orange coloring that you were supposed to mix with the white stuff to make it yellow to resemble butter. It never really looked like butter and it never tasted like it either. So she always used butter even though it cost so much more. I just prefer it these days.

Gelatin salads were a thing during the '50s -- and well before that, too. We never had them at home, but green jello with carrot shreds was standard fare in school lunch trays. It always struck me as odd, to say the least. Ida has numerous recipes for jelled salads and aspics and various other loaf-pan concoctions that you're pretty much never see today. There's a chopped spaghetti loaf-pan recipe that is boggling. I'm sure it was delicious.

My mother did make Jello as a sweet with or without canned fruit cocktail. I liked the red flavor best.

One of Ida's "chef's tips" is to boil your pasta with a spoonful of oil in the water to keep it from sticking together -- something absolutely verboten these days. Her actual recipe for boiling pasta is interesting though and would probably cause an Italian cook's heart attack: for 8oz of pasta, boil four cups of water (with that spoonful of oil and a dash of salt), add pasta, boil for ten to twelve minutes until the water is all absorbed. No draining, no waste of nutrients. Never heard of it done that way. Similar to rice cooking, I guess.

There are quite a few "foreign" recipes, primarily European (French, German, Italian). No Asian or Mexican that I recall -- so this wasn't a cook book for West Coast and Southwest users -- but there are some Armenian recipes. Hmm. Interesting since Armenians were concentrated in California's Central Valley at the time.

There was no effort at all to duplicate high end restaurant fare at home. More likely, any restaurant you would go to -- even the high-end ones -- would try to duplicate or "elevate" home cooking. That would be their selling point. 

I think of the movie "Mildred Pierce" and how successful her restaurant was doing home-style cooking for fancy and ordinary people going out to dinner in Southern California both pre- and post-War. That was an ideal. 

One of the places I liked going out to eat at as a child was Clifton's Cafeteria. This was a Southern California institution, and to me, it was like food-heaven. So much variety, all good. All "home-cooking".

Another place I liked going to was El Encanto (I've written about it before) up in the San Gabriel foothills above Azusa. It was not really "home cooking" as it was a well-known road house featuring steaks, and yet what was served was not that different than what you would get at home on a celebratory evening -- steak nicely broiled, baked potato, vegetable (I remember green beans a lot) tossed green salad, shrimp cocktail, roll and butter, dessert (spumoni, often, but pie or cake too). 

Nothing fancy. There were fancy restaurants, of course, in Los Angeles (Chasen's and whatnot) yet even their famous dishes were not that exotic. Not difficult or finicky. The food wasn't necessarily fancy at a fancy restaurant in those days, it's was the atmosphere and service you were paying for.

That all seems to be turned upside down these days. 

Sometimes I'm astonished at what's being presented on the TV cooking shows, especially Test Kitchen and Cook's Country, as it appears that "standard cooking" has devolved into crazy and decadent specialty cooking in which recipes can take literally days to complete, require endless expensive, hard-to-get ingredients and equipment, and the completed product (thinking baguettes here) can usually be picked up at your local market for a dollar or so.

Just so you can say, "I made this!" Why?

One consistent thing about Ida's recipes and how-to pictures is that they are almost all stress-free, easy to follow and do, they don't take forever, many are very quick using canned or boxed foods combined in clever and easy-to-do ways, and generally speaking don't require exotic ingredients that you have to hunt all over town (or now the internet) to find. 

The one ingredient you won't see used today is monosodium glutamate. It was used pretty often back then, and I remember it used in my mother's cooking.

Ida doesn't have any pressure cooker recipes, but I have another '50s cookbook for that. She also doesn't have much in the way of blender recipes, but -- no surprise -- I have an Oster blender cookbook (and blender, too!) from the '50s for that!

She uses food mills (Moulis), choppers and grinders rather than blenders or food processors (which were not available for home use at the time.) Choppers and grinders were available attachments for Sunbeam mixers, but mostly they were hand cranked counter or table-top attachments. (I gave away a complete late '30s Sunbeam mixer outfit when we moved -- all attachments and the jadeite mixing bowls along with the mixer) but we still have a hand-cranked grinder/chopper. We have and use an ancient CuisineArt food processor, too. And several Oster blenders with different blade configurations. They can make some things simpler, but the truth is, they aren't used that often. 

There was no Saran Wrap cling film at the time Ida did her picture book. Cellophane was used. There were storage bags and rolls of cellophane wrap; it didn't cling, but could do a fair job of protecting food in the refrigerator or freezer. Various paper wrappings were also available. There was aluminum foil, but tin foil was more common in the early '50s. Aluminum foil was considered a luxury until mid-late '50s when tin foil essentially disappeared.

I think there are plenty of Ida's recipes that I would never try to make or eat. But one of the good things about her 1952 cookbook and others of the era is how down to earth and achievable most of those recipes are, and how creative she and others are with easily obtainable canned and frozen foods. There's no shame in using and cooking with what you can get, in other words. It wasn't that long after wartime rationing had ended after all.

These days, the cooking shows tend to require a major campaign just to acquire the specialty and often very expensive ingredients that you're probably only going to use once and may have to discard a good portion of. And then spend hours or even days in preparation for a dish or product like bread you might serve once and never again. That's why I call it decadent. When it's all for show, not really for eating, and it costs a fortune and takes forever... the point is exactly what?

I started this consideration with a bit about gas ranges of Southern California suburbia in the early '50s. The survivors are treasured these days. To find one and have it restored can be quite a quest -- and can be very expensive. But some of these ranges are still in really good condition and can be picked up for a few hundred dollars. If we ever get around to a major renovation of our kitchen, I'd like it to be '50s style, with one of those Wedgewood or other gas stoves from the era.

The gas ranges that are heavily marketed these days (Wolf, Fisher and Paykel, Le Cornue, etc.) are almost impossibly deluxe and expensive -- I've seen some Le Cornue models well over $100,000. I remember a neighbor woman in the 1990s who bought a restaurant range for home use. It cost about $1000, but she found out she had to have a larger gas line put in to handle the higher BTUs it put out and she had to protect her walls and floor from the extra heat, and she had to put in a more powerful range-hood, and when she'd done all that the cost was up around $3000, which she considered outrageous, but she was happy with the result, she loved the stove, and she cooked constantly. When people can afford to install a $50-100,000 range, though, I kind of doubt they ever cook themselves. They hire someone or they go out to eat.

The stove is there for show and nothing more. I'm pretty sure of that.

I remember one of the presenters on a cooking show saying: "Of course no one has a salamander at home." And I thought, "Well, that's silly. Of course you don't have restaurant equipment at home -- why would you? But guess what? If you have a toaster oven -- which many people do -- you have the home equivalent of a salamander. It doesn't get quite as hot, but if you set it on broil, it does essentially the same thing."

Oh.

A '50s style kitchen would be authentic to our house because what's now the kitchen was an open porch until it was enclosed and made into the kitchen and laundry room in the 1950s during one of this place's periodic remodelings. It needs renovation because of various things that weren't done well back in the day. 

Trendy-modern and super-expensive just doesn't fit with this place. So maybe the '50s ideal is the way to go. Just have to remember what it is!

I'll try to get into some of Ida's actual recipes in another post.

Sunday, February 13, 2022

Mirrors

The other day I was taking a bath and idly thought I would count the mirrors in the bathroom. I guess most places have one mirror in the bathroom over the wash basin. I sat in the tub counting, and I came up with five. Two over the basin, one large one (that was in the house when we bought it; who knows how old it is) over a long counter, one on the wall at the end of the counter, and one in an antique shaving stand.

There. Five.

The next day, I sat in the tub thinking about the mirrors in the bathroom and suddenly thought "no, there are more than five..." And I counted again. Two over the wash basin, ah, and another one in a medicine cabinet next to the medicine cabinet over the wash basin. So that's three by the wash basin. Then there is the large mirror mentioned previously, ah, and there is a small tilting mirror on a stand in front of it, and there's another small mirror leaned up against the large mirror. And then there's the mirror at the end of the counter. And the shaving stand mirror. So that's four on or above the counter. 

Eight. 

I'm pretty sure there are more. Probably two hand mirrors in one of the drawers. Maybe another one, too. But eight is enough.

How easy it is to miss a mirror or two when you're not really thinking about them or conscious of them.

And I thought some about the mirrors in the rest of the house. We have mirrors in every room. I brought one Art Deco one back with the stuff that was in storage in California, and I put it up in the living room. But there were already others.

There's one over the mantle. The aforementioned Art Deco one over the sofa. There's a Mission Oak framed mirror over the teevee that backs the Buddha shrine. There's also a mirror-backed shelf above a low chest of drawers on the opposite wall from the teevee. Is that all? Four. Maybe.

There's a small mirror below a shelf in the entry hall and a large arched mirror partly covered by a Kandinsky print in the bedroom hall. There's also a mirror-backed shelf in the bedroom hall. 

Our bedroom has, I think, four mirrors. One above the dresser, another above an antique wash-stand. A mirror above a chest of drawers. And there's another one against a bookshelf. That all? Maybe. The other bedroom has a mirror above the chest of drawers, a large round one on the dressing table, and a gold and black framed one by the door. There may be more. I don't know. The room is closed off during the winter. So I don't go in there.

Friends were over one day. They said, "You know what? You have a lot of clocks." We do? Never occurred to me. So they looked around the living room and started counting. One above the sofa, one on top of the teevee cabinet, two on the table next to it. One on the mantle, and one on the wall next to it. There's one in the hallway that goes to the office and the spare room visible from the living room. There are two on the bookshelves beside that hallway. And there's one on the wall above one of the bookshelves. Hm. I guess that's a lot. There are also two three clocks in the entry hall. Huh.

And we could go around the house counting more and more clocks. And mirrors. 

Time reminders and reflections.

Everywhere.


------------------------------------

Languid update: I found (so far) four more mirrors in the living room. Some of them were hidden. Some were on the thick adobe archway to the bedroom hall -- oops! There's another one. Five more. 

I dunno. I think these reflectors are much more commonplace than previously believed (!). Think of the Jewel Mirror Samadhi...

Found two more mirrors in the bedroom, a full-length one behind the door and another full length one on the inside of the closet door. There may be another one inside the closet, but I haven't seen it recently.

Tuesday, February 8, 2022

Cold Update

Frozen pipes. They're never any fun, but this cold snap managed to freeze the supply line to the toilet, the hot water line to the bathroom (even though we left a trickle running) as well as the drain lines from the bathroom and the kitchen sink. We had running water in the house, but for several days could not get it out except in buckets. 

We've had freezes before but nothing quite like this wherein the seizure was all but complete even though we took precautions. Temps were much lower for a longer period than we'd ever experienced, and the truth is with the drain lines, there's almost nothing we could have done to prevent their freezing given the temperatures (one overnight was 19 or 20 below zero) we were experiencing.

This house wasn't built for that kind of cold, and in fact, it hardly ever happens. Below zero over nights and never above freezing daytimes (sunshine, tho!) for more than a day or so is rare. The plumber who came to help clear out the bathroom blockage said he'd lived in this area all his life and nothing like this kind of cold had happened in his memory. There were busted pipes all over, but not as many as would have happened when most everyone had metal pipes. Now of course it's PEX, and that can freeze without bursting. 

Only the kitchen sink drain is still frozen. Hopefully, if the outside temp is warm enough, it will clear today.

And we'll catch our breath for a moment and go on.

Someone stole our St. Francis statue off the front porch during one of the very cold nights. We've had him for quite a while, and he was getting kind of battered. He's plaster and hollow and parts had been breaking off (a large hole had appeared on his left shoulder and pieces were breaking on his back) but he was the Protector of our house and its animals (of which there are many.)

I discovered him missing when I opened the front door to check on the cats. Just a half hour before, I'd gone out to inspect the drain access -- and found the accesses full to the brim with a film of ice on top. It was very cold outside. We heard what sounded like a cat ringing the plastic bell by the door the way they do to let us know they want to come in. It sounds like a soft knock. But we didn't check for at least another fifteen minutes or so. That's when I saw that the five-foot high statue of St Francis with his birds and animals was gone.

It was a shock. 

Why would anyone take a deteriorating plaster statue of St. Francis? And who would do a thing like that? Where would he go?

I drove around the neighborhood seeing if there was any sign of him, but no.

In the morning I found that there was a set of footprints in the snow outside leading directly from the street to the porch and back to the street. Then later, I found another set of footprints that had come up the driveway and then to the front porch and then went back down the driveway. A scout perhaps? I don't know.

At any rate, St. Francis -- well, this one -- disappeared/was taken (we have another terra cotta one in a pyracantha hedge near the front porch) soon after Ms Ché bought a Bill Worrell style metal shamanic statue that we have installed by the side door (where my attacker entered last summer) and who seems to be settled in nicely, cold and snow or no.

I suspect there's some kind of symmetry going on. Only so many Protectors at one time maybe, and two St Francises at the front door is a bit lily gilding, no?

So we wait for the unfreezing of the final drain -- hopefully today -- and trust that St. Francis is now protector of the animals somewhere he's needed.

Otherwise, I might begin to lose faith in humanity.

-----------------------------

Update to the update:

The kitchen sink drain did unfreeze late yesterday after I wrote the piece above; we found, however, that the laundry-room drain is still frozen. Tried a load of laundry and found out; luckily I was close to the washer when it started draining mostly onto the floor and was able to turn the washer off before too much water flowed where it shouldn't. Called the plumber back, but I think we'll just have to wait for warmer weather. Meanwhile, I'll get to work on emptying the washer by hand. Oh m'back!

----------------------------

Twenty buckets later the washer is empty, the clothes and such that were in it are rinsed and dried, the water on the floor is mopped up, but the laundry room drain remains stubbornly frozen. Daytime temps in the low-mid 50s, overnights in the low 20s should unfreeze it soon, but it hasn't happened yet. 

The plumber wondered how the drains and supply lines were arranged. In the walls? Nope. Under the house. Hanging free? Yeah, pretty much. Insulated? No. Welp, that's why they freeze. But I pointed out that they only do it when low temps -- ie: single digit or below zero -- persist for a long time, and daytimes are never above freezing. Yap. That's the way it goes. He told the story of growing up one town over, where winter temps are at least as cold as they are here and there is much more snow (usually). He said the pipes at his place would freeze every winter, sometimes for a long time, and that finally his father crawled under the house and insulated the pipes with pool noodles. It was quite a task he said. But it worked. Could I do that here? I said I didn't think so. The floors are actually less than a foot above the ground, so there's no real crawl space. The drains that freeze shouldn't but they do because part of them are exposed under the house before they converge on the main line under ground. When it is cold enough, it's almost impossible to keep them from freezing. He said try running more hot water than just a trickle during cold snaps, enough to make steam in the drain lines, as that could help keep them open. 

The laundry room drain, though, is a problem. We had that one put in some years ago. It looked like there was a drain there when we moved in, but we found on first use it was blocked, and when we had a plumber look at it, we discovered it didn't go to the main drain but simply dropped water into a pit under the laundry room. Oh fine. 

So we had a proper drain for the washer installed. It meant digging to make all the connections, and lo and behold, the plumbers made a discovery. It wasn't really a pit that the bogus washer drain drained into, it was a semi-basement with a dirt floor and a staircase under what's now a bank of pantry cabinets. Oh. Maybe it was a root cellar. Or even a storm cellar. Who knows. But that's what the laundry room and a portion of the kitchen were built over, and that was where the laundry room drain drained into. 

The drain line we had installed in the laundry room is partially attached to the floor joists and is exposed to the ambient temperature which is essentially whatever the temperature is outside. So. It freezes like now. This is the first time, though.

So far no burst pipes, so at least there's that.

I'm contemplating a grand renovation program... 😃

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For the record, the laundry room drain unfroze yesterday 2/10. Daytime temperatures were in the high 50s, overnight about 30. That did the trick. 

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Sunday, February 6, 2022

The Need to Understand...


I watched a biggish part of the funeral ceremonies and cremation of Thich Nhat Hanh in Hue, Vietnam, (what meaning that has for someone like me) over the Plum Village livestream, and yes, it was moving. The turnout to honor him was amazing, in the tens of thousands, and the ceremonies themselves harked back to a prior age in Vietnam, before the wars that destroyed so much of the country and its people. What once there was will never be again, but still...

I found that so many people were seeking to "understand" the man and his writing. Understand as in "take possession of..." Having ownership over. Now I understand that desire; I shared it myself for many years, and then like with so many other things, I let go of it. No, I don't need to understand, and I don't need to own or possess the thinking and/or spirit of fine people like Thich Nhat Hanh. Others do.

When I was chatting with my Dharma teacher during sesshin, I found that I couldn't say his name quite right. It kept coming out "Trick Not Han..." I couldn't explain it, and truthfully, I was embarrassed, as my Dharma teacher was befriended by him at one of his retreats at Plum Village, and she has always considered him her Root Teacher. So here I come, can't even say his name right, oh well.

I go back before his advent in the US, not long before, but earlier in the course of Zen in America. And we talked about that a bit. About Suzuki Roshi. Richard Baker. SFZC before Tassajara and before Green Gulch. Before even the City Temple. 

Before all the money and fame and... controversy. Well no. There was controversy at Sokoji from the moment Suzuki Roshi started attracting young American white folks (mostly male initially) to Zen study and practice. Sokoji was primarily a Japanese-American (Issei and Nissei) Buddhist temple -- open to all of course, but still -- serving a reconstituted post-war Japanese-American community in San Francisco when Suzuki Roshi (not yet a roshi at that point) arrived from Japan in 1958 or so, at the height of the beatnik era, to lead the small but devoted congregation.

The attraction of Zen and Buddhism to the Beats was already well established thanks to the poetry of Allen Ginsberg and Gary Snyder and the novels of William Burroughs and Jack Kerouac among others.

I think Snyder was in Japan in the late fifties studying at one of the Rinzai Zen temples where he had taken vows as a monk. I think he learned and spoke Japanese before he left for Japan. Kerouac writes poignantly about Snyder's departure in The Dharma Bums. Snyder's influence, in other words, was indirect at the time Suzuki Roshi established himself in San Francisco. But he'd already spurred many others to study and practice. 

Kerouac certainly influenced me in the mid-sixties when I read three of his novels: The Dharma Bums, Desolation Angels, and Big Sur. Snyder's influence at that time was non-existent on me; I tried to get into Ginsberg, but it was a no-go. His poetry from Howl and beyond was raved over, but to me, there was nothing there. Perhaps that was the point.

Kerouac on the other hand was deep and rich and he wrote like I thought. His travels took him to many places I had been and knew well. I would only much later read On the Road, and I would discover how closely our travels paralleled one another all over the country. It's kind of eerie. And today we live in a little rural area of New Mexico that I'm all but certain he and Neal Cassidy not only visited but stayed in for a while during one of their cross-country treks.

I don't call Kerouac a Root Teacher; he's more like a door-opener which can be just as powerful. Without that open door, I'm not at all sure I would have discovered what's on the other side.

Suzuki Roshi, though, is still a very strong Root Teaching influence on me. Richard Baker -- his right hand in San Francisco -- had a different kind of influence, actually more like Kerouac's as a door opener. Baker Roshi, as he's called now, acted as a guide and encourager. Give it a try. Keep going. 

I keep thinking that I met them both, sometime after 1965, but realistically, I couldn't have. Somehow, though, I feel there must have been some kind of face-to-face contact or contact with their image. 

And thinking back, it was probably at the Midnight Movies in the later '60s where I'll bet I saw a number of Suzuki Roshi's lectures on film. Baker-Roshi was there, so he was probably in the films, too. And one of the strongest recollections I have is of the appearance of the interior of the Sokoji Temple while zazen was taking place. I have since seen it on film (a YouTube of a KQED documentary of San Francisco Zen Center made, I believe, in 1968) and it is exactly as I remember it. Ergo, I likely saw that film, and it was most probably at the Midnight Movies rather than on television as I wasn't living in the Bay Area and didn't have access to KQED programming.

But I can't be sure.

Which is all right. None of it really matters all that much, does it? If my memory is faulty, so be it. 😉

We don't really have to understand so much, do we? We don't have to have possession. Ownership. 

Let it be just out of reach. 

Saturday, February 5, 2022

Feeling the Cold

 Yes.

We've been having overnight temperatures well below zero for days now. This is not unheard of, but it is unusual around here. And we're feeling it. I am certainly, but Ms. Che may be feeling it even more than I am. 

Our house is not well insulated, so the cold penetrates. The floors tend to be very cold, and some rooms get frighteningly cold, so we don't heat them. I was thinking about some neighbors who only heat one room in their house during the winter, and we're not actually that different. 

This winter, because of the extended cold spell, we've got some frozen pipes. The hot water line to the bathroom froze the first overnight below zero. Then the line to the toilet froze the next overnight, so there's no hot water and no water to the toilet still. The toilet would be OK -- we could fill the tank with a bucket -- except for the fact that the second night of below zero temps showed that the sewer line is backed up, perhaps from root invasion, but I thought at first that it was frozen too. Now, it shouldn't do that, but given how cold it's been and how long the super-cold has lasted, maybe it did? We haven't seen above freezing temperatures since last week. So...?

That means we have to find somewhere else to pee and poop until the plumbers can come, and that's not going to happen before Monday. So the most convenient place for us at the moment is the truck stop up at the interstate, maybe three-four miles or so. Not at neighbors'? Uh, no. They're dealing with their own issues.

This is the longest extended period of cold we've experienced since we've lived here. I know other parts of the country have had it worse, and I'm not complaining. But it is clarifying.

Given all the other issues we've been facing of late, the fact of the cold just goes to show how fragile the conveniences we take for granted -- like water and flushing toilets and well, cat food (which has become very hard to find around here) -- really are. 

If something happens, like an extended cold spell, or the electricity goes out for a long time (the longest we've experienced is 8 hours during the summer), or the gas stops flowing, or human food shortages show up more than they already have, what actually are we going to do?

We've taken modest preparatory steps, but it's hard to anticipate just what might or might not transpire. 

Over the last couple of years of the Covid pandemic, we've been getting used to not doing or having a lot of things that we once did. The whole population has been conditioned, if you will, to doing without and adapting behaviors to whatever new reality arises. We're so used to it, we hardly notice anymore.

Now we are seeing some of "what else" lies in store.

Be well. Stay sane!


Tuesday, February 1, 2022

Cat Zen

We have a number of cats that practice zazen. It was started, we think, by Old Joe, a white cat of stature among the colony. He wasn't an Alpha, nor did he assist one. He was just... a cat who stayed out of trouble, played with the kittens, and took under his wing Larry, a stray who arrived starved and dirty one day and decided to stay.

Larry is a pale ginger cat, obviously from a different strain than most of the colony members. To say he was high-strung is an understatement. He was in bad shape due to apparently not eating much or anything for days or weeks, covered with dust and deeply distrustful of us and the other cats, but he saw food and ate it ravenously. Most of the other cats tolerated him, but sometimes he'd lash out or pace frantically. Old Joe took his number and clearly said, "Hey."

Larry seemed to admire Joe and would sit beside him while restlessly grooming his shaggy and rough-textured coat. Larry is a domestic shorthair, but his fur is rough and brittle and sometimes he gets very shaggy looking as he was when he first arrived.

Joe would sit quietly, front paws nearly in a cosmic mudra, eyes half closed, counting his breaths, innn and outtt. Innnn and outttt. Larry would sit beside him, but he would be agitated and disruptive. 

Joe would breathe.

And in time, Joe got ill, and he began to fail. We knew his end wasn't long off. He seemed to know it too. Still he sat, counting his breaths, and Larry would sit beside him, slowly calming down, and from time to time we saw him counting his own breaths with half-closed eyes, and the other cats saw them, and some took instruction from them in how to zazen.

It wasn't too long thereafter that Old Joe passed on to Kitty Heaven, and Larry was left alone to zen or not on his own. It was surprising to see what he did. At first, he clearly missed Old Joe and their cat sangha sessions sitting zazen. He was agitated and lonely. He hadn't made any other friends in the colony.

But slowly we noticed his agitation reduced as more and more he practiced zazen on his own, and as he did, others learned from him. When I last checked he had at least six disciples in the colony, all of whom would practice zazen, sitting quietly with half-closed eyes counting their breaths. There may be more of them. 

Some of Modern Zen says be mindful of your intentions when sitting, and dedicate the merit of your sit to the release from suffering of all beings. Well, that's not the zazen teaching that I received so many decades ago, and others say sitting intentions and merit dedications aren't "really zen," they're something else. 

But when I watch the cats sitting zazen on their own or in a group, it seems to me they are "just sitting." Any merit is not dedicated by them but just there, if it is, for any who happen by.

Cats, as we know, are closer to nature. That some do sit zazen lets us know how close our practice is to nature as well.

Wednesday, January 26, 2022

Sesshin Again

 



I'm such a rebel. 

The Winter Practice Period now enters sesshin, a week of intense zazen practice, silence and withdrawal from the world. I've done sesshin before. Sort of. Well, I'm not a monk, not in a monastic setting, not -- ever -- involved in formal Buddhist practice, and not inclined to the monastic way. 

Sesshin is monastic practice, though lay people can and do participate in sesshin at Zen centers and monasteries. Generally speaking, they do so while in residence at the monastery or Zen center.

And sesshin doesn't work for rebels. At least not the standard, rule-based narrow way. I would be very highly out of place in residence at the monastery! Oh my yes.😛

Elements of sesshin -- whether intensified zazen practice, samu practice, kinhin practice or as the case may be life practice, in silence or otherwise -- can work just fine. In a sesshin period, all these things and more are brought to the forefront.

"Practice" is often seen as solely a matter of sitting zazen, and zazen practice is fundamental to Zen Buddhism. I practice zazen but not as formally as we are expected to, nor as often as sesshin requires. My zazen practice may be only three breaths or it may be an hour in the tub or on a driftwood log on a beach or walking around my place in the wilderness. Zazen is rigorous in a monastic setting -- as I think it should be -- but for householders living in practice, zazen can take any form, can take any amount of time, can take place anywhere, in any posture; in other words it need not follow the rigors of the monastery. I'd go so far as to say it shouldn't, especially if your life is practice. 

Life practice includes the Three Jewels or Treasures (Buddha, Dharma, Sangha); the Eightfold Path*, and the Precepts**. It may also include study, commentary, outreach, and much more, but each individual's life practice will differ. In my case, for example, chopping wood and carrying water are literal elements of my practice. 

In sesshin we are to focus our intentions and consideration on the core elements of our practice.

Even rebels like me can do that!

Oddly though, sesshin can focus on not doing.

Letting go of habits and duties that we may consider essential. Just let go of them and see what transpires.

I've been re-reading Suzuki Roshi's Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind. I've gained a new appreciation for it. Especially since, thanks to David Chadwick, I have a greater understanding of where it came from: short Zen-Dharma talks primarily at Marian Derby's house in Los Altos, California, in 1965-66, prior to the acquisition of the City Temple in San Francisco, the Tassajara resort up above Carmel and the Big Sur coastline, and Green Gulch Farm in Marin County.

In other words, before San Francisco Zen Center became world famous and a financial and economic power-house in the Bay Area.

Suzuki Roshi's teachings at that time were so simple and straightforward. There was none of the over intellectualized commentary that we see so much of today. It was almost pure Japanese Zen as Suzuki himself was taught as a monk early in the 20th Century. How to do it. Why to do it. Where. When. And so forth.

So much of that has been lost it seems to me, in an intellectual quest for deeper understanding and ownership.

And during our study of the Song of the Jewel Mirror Samadhi, it seems that everything except the text is the subject and object. Dongshan (or whoever) came up with a long poem/song that aids in the transmission of the Dharma of Thusness. Many of the references in it are at best obscure to those who haven't been trained in the Dharma of a Chinese Chan Buddhist monastery a thousand or more years ago. Many references are entirely opaque. All but meaningless. Or they may seem to be.

Yet the Dharma of Thusness is core teaching of Buddhism, Chan and Zen, and the Jewel Mirror Samadhi is one of several means to "touch" that core. 

I say I had that experience -- if it can be called an "experience" -- around 50 years ago, and it was part of a process that changed my life from one of selfishness to one of service. Thusness is ever-present, the matrix if you will, of all else, and of "experience," too. Beyond Thusness and intermixed with it is what I call The Void, Emptiness, the Ground State, from which everything we can perceive (which is practically nothing in the vast, eternal scheme!) arises and returns. But not just what we can perceive. All of what we can't perceive arises and returns from and to the same source.

In my case, it was a matter of absorbing these and other matters, not of intellectual understanding, and certainly not of ownership of knowledge. 

Life change took time, oh my yes! Not instantaneous at all. But in some ways, setting an intention of service 'made' it happen.

One of the aspects of Thusness revealed by the Jewel Mirror (Note, it's a "jewel" mirror not a "jewelled' mirror...) is that when you look into it -- which you are always doing, at least while you are awake -- you see... you. Hard to recognize -- much like Dongshan's reflection in a flowing stream. He saw himself, but the reflection was broken up into a million or more passing images. None of which resembled "himself" or anything he recognized as himself. 

And yet.. and yet...

The point here, if you will, is that your perception, whatever you perceive, is a reflection of yourself. There is no there there except for your own being perceiving "something." And that perception is actually a reflection of... "you."

Thus the Jewel Mirror.

How does that change one's life?

Or how did recognizing that change my life?

I had been in what I call "selfish survival" way of life which had led me into amazing/wonderful realms and experiences no doubt, but also many cul-de-sacs and dangers. I felt and believed my physical and personal survival was in deep jeopardy all the time and that I was on a knife-edge of existence. I suppose it gave me an adrenaline rush, but at the same time, it was an entirely selfish and self-absorbed life. And realistically, it was deadly. Had I continued in that manner, I wouldn't be here to tell about it.

I'd been practicing Zen Buddhism for about ten years when... 

I looked out one day and saw the world in a different way. It was a sudden thing. Unexpected. Real. Life-changing.

From that moment I sensed a calling, and that calling was to serve. It didn't mean that selfish desire disappeared. But it did mean that it would be replaced with service to others. Without expectation, demand, or gain.

And even that is a form of Rebellion.

Sooooo. What is The Jewel Mirror?

We've been studying The Song of the Jewel Mirror Samadhi purportedly by Dongshan, Chinese Chan Master. At least we're supposed to. It's clear that some haven't. But that's all right. We come to our study and take it seriously when we're ready.

So what is the Jewel Mirror? What is the Jewel Mirror Samadhi?

Welp, I came to this study/teaching 50-some-odd years ago, and I'm still puzzling through it. I woke up this morning, for example, with what was for me a new, primary, realization about Thusness and the Jewel Mirror that I think is derived from the story of Dongshan seeing his reflection in a flowing stream and thereby coming to realize Thusness.

Oh? But think about it. What kind of reflection is there in a flowing stream? Is there even one at all?

Well, yes, the water does glint and darken and move constantly, and what you see in the water is made up of reflections, many, many moving reflections, but are any of them your reflection in the water? How would you know?

Yes, it's all "you". Wait, wait, is that what the Jewel Mirror is? 

That was the satori of Thusness I had this morning as I awoke from slumber. 

When you perceive -- whatever you perceive -- you are perceiving yourself, something of you and nothing but you. Everything in your perception is a construction of your mind.

The Jewel Mirror reflects Everything. All at once. Which in the end resolves to... you and nothing but you. Then it dissolves into Emptiness. What I call the Ground State from which everything arises and returns.

Note: it's "Jewel Mirror" not "Jewelled Mirror." The Mirror is itself a Jewel, not unlike the Three Jewels or Treasures of Buddhism. (Buddha, Dharma, Sangha).

The Jewel Mirror Samadhi is the Awareness or Awakening to that realization.

Which we are to "keep it well" -- once we are aware of it -- as is taught in the poem/song. It is the core realization of Buddhist practice. Once you have it, don't neglect or lose it. 

Throughout Buddhist monastic training, the monks and nuns are given koans and teachings (Dharma) that ideally open this awareness, an awareness that cannot be grasped intellectually or physically, but which is everpresent if you let it be. For most, it's hard and takes a long time. Many monks never achieve or accept it. That's considered one of the weaknesses of the monastery.

On the other hand, how does this teaching work -- if it works -- for laypeople not in a monastic setting?

I can only speak for myself and what happened to change my life. I don't know how or whether it works -- or doesn't -- for others. I absorbed the teaching without really "thinking" about it. Without trying to understand it -- something I couldn't do anyway as I had no idea what the many references within it were. I have some better idea now due to all the scholarly commentary available. 

But it doesn't really matter. 


It is what it is, and just this is it.


Saturday, January 22, 2022

Thich Nhat Hanh RIP




Yesterday was kind of tough for a lot of the participants in the Winter Practice Period after word came that Thich Nhat Hanh (Thay) had died in Hue, his home town in Vietnam, at the age of 95.

He was  not one of my main Dharma teachers, but he was known of by me and respected for his gentleness, kindness and wisdom.

As one of the many Buddhist opponents of the Vietnam War, he was a leading figure in the long struggle in the United States to end it. He was exiled from Vietnam for his efforts, and he was only able to return years after the victory of the North. He settled in France at his Plum Village retreat, farm and Zen Center.

I've heard tell that he was basically incapacitated after a stroke in 2014, and was unable to speak for the last several years. His teaching, of course, is very widespread and continues to profoundly influence the thinking and actions of individuals, Buddhist and not, throughout the world.

Memories were shared at a memorial service held in his honor last night. Reminders of his wisdom included a comment he'd made after another Dharma teacher had died. He said (paraphrase), "Oh, I knew him. He said he always wanted to come to Plum Village but never did during his lifetime. Now he's here! He's here in the trees and the birds and the sky, and we're walking with him now. Isn't it wonderful?"

Another memory that has stuck with me since I first heard it from a Dharma teacher last summer:

He visited San Francisco Zen Center in the 1980s during a period of turmoil and difficulty. Part of his mission was to help overcome the current difficulties and help assure a strong future. As part of his mission, he went to Green Gulch, the Center's farm in Marin County, where he walked with residents and visitors on the trail that led to the ocean. As he was walking, he said to the assembly (paraphrase), "You have one of the most beautiful sites and paths in North America. Why are you all so grim?"

That has stuck with me ever since I heard it last year. To me, it is the essence of Suchness, the epitome of the Song of the Jewel Mirror Samadhi, and the core teaching of Buddhism. 

Yes, you may be facing problems and difficulties now, and those problems may grow or diminish, but that's not all there is. Look around you. Take a moment to see outside yourself. Take time to recognize the extraordinary essence of where you are, for example, and the Suchness of the whole. Why are you all so grim when there is so much more than what is bothering you at the moment. Look around. This is the most beautiful place you can be. You're blessed. 

Oh, he may have passed from the material world, but his influence, like that of so many other Honored Ones, will long carry on.

RIP

Friday, January 21, 2022

Coming to Service

 "Service" means different things to different people at different times. We may not know it, but we are all obliged to serve in some way throughout our lives, sometimes willingly, often not. The "Song of the Jewel Mirror Samadhi" is one many Buddhist teachings that prepare and enable the service expected of Chan/Zen Dharma participants -- whether priests, monks or laypeople.

As I say, I absorbed the teaching about 50 years ago in San Francisco. It was part of a range of Buddhist texts I had accumulated over the previous 10 years or so of practice. I can't say I know where it came from. I don't. And I can't say I was a particular scholar of Zen or Buddhism at the time -- nor am I particularly so now. Buddhist scholarship and commentary is quite a specialty these days, there is massive amounts of it produced over the last 2,500 years, much of it recently. I'm not sure that much of it has helped me more than the teachings and texts themselves, but because it is produced in such prodigious quantity, it must be helping someone.

Perhaps the primary Buddhist teaching text I absorbed back then was "Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind" by Shunryu Suzuki Roshi (156 pg pdf), which presented Zen and Buddhism in such a gentle, kind, simple and straightforward way that it seemed "easily" graspable despite the complexity and often opaqueness of most of the commentary. 

"The Song of the Jewel Mirror Samadhi" is not commentary. It consists of admonitions, memory-joggers, reminders, and guideposts originally primarily intended for recipients of Dharma Transmission. In other words, it's not really a text for the lay practitioners not receiving Dharma Transmission, yet it has become a routine chant repeated by all at Zen Centers throughout the world (maybe not so much in Japan, though?) and I question the merit of that, simply because the references within it are pretty much opaque without the background training, study and practice that the song is "about."

In other words, if one simply chants it without the background for comprehension, what merit is there?

I've heard tell that even if you don't understand all the many references within it, that's fine. By repeating it in chant, you are automatically building up merit and understanding... "absorbing it" as it were. Much, perhaps, as I did decades ago. I did not, never have, and probably never will chant it, but by absorption, it became part of me and over time has strongly influenced the course of my life.

Go figure. That seems to be the point of chanting it, too.

When you become "awakened" in the Buddhist sense -- that is able to recognize and (sort of) experience the vastness of the Emptiness within which our material existence arises and returns -- the Jewel Mirror Samadhi, even without knowledge of all the many references it contains, becomes crystal clear. No mystery or struggle to it at all. Like so much else, it is self-evident. Suchness (which I doubt I'll get into in this post, but we'll see.)

"Awakening" in the Mahayana Buddhist sense compels service. Which is the point, you might say, of the Jewel Mirror, Dharma Transmission, and of living. 

One has a role to play and a job to do. An overriding purpose. From which there is no escape so long as your being is contained in your body. And even then.... 

I mentioned in one of the seminars during the practice period that I had absorbed the Jewel Mirror Samadhi many years ago and it was part of the process of transforming my life from one of intense selfishness (ie: survival selfishness) to one of constant service. It was, I believe, automatic. There was no conscious determination to come to service. It's just what happened. 

"Service" takes many, many forms. Bodhicitta is a way of referring to the Awakening that leads to service as a Bodhisattva -- someone on the way to Buddhahood who stays in the material world to serve others and their Awakening. There is no end of what you may do in service to others, and one of the keys I learned about through trial and error really more than anything else, is to wait and listen and be available when asked. Don't force yourself in service to others. The opportunities arise spontaneously. 

It helps immeasurably to recognize that as a material being you are imperfect as can be, and you will make many, many mistakes and missteps, and you will fail again and again. And yet... And yet... 

You must carry on. 

The Jewel Mirror Samadhi says that once you have received the Dharma (the Teachings as well as the recognition of Suchness) you are to "keep it well," and you are to serve. Quietly. Not ostentatiously or forcefully but modestly and openly. As a "fool with no voice" as one translation has it. Just this. 

So as I'm coming on to a year of participation among the sangha-beings of this Zen Center, many questions I might have had were I pursuing intellectual knowledge or a monastic future have been more than adequately answered. I didn't have those questions, but oh well!😉

In fact, once on the Bodhisattva path, questions mostly cease except to the extent they get asked as part of service to others. 

I don't claim to be a Bodhisattva -- far from it -- but I see no end to the service I am compelled to provide, both materially and to some extent spiritually. 

And I've come to recognize all this is related to karma and karmic debt. "All my ancient twisted karma..." indeed. 

So much struggle. So deep. So wide. 

🙏









Wednesday, January 19, 2022

"It's a Cookbook!"

No. Not really. The Song of the Jewel Mirror Samadhi which I've been studying every day during this practice period/ango is not a cookbook...

And yet. And yet. 

I first absorbed it around 50 years ago. It was a Dharma Transmission poem/document, yet I understood it was chanted by all at the zendo at the City Temple in San Francisco where I was at the time, and I couldn't quite understand the purpose or merit of chanting it. So often that's just uncomprehending rote practice. It's not particularly meaningful.

And when I see so many people struggling with this teaching during the practice period -- oh my yes -- I think that chanting the teaching every day or whenever is possibly what's getting in the way for so many. 

For something Zen, the teaching is very straightforward and simple. It's like a quick sketch, though. Part of Dharma Transmission, it's not the Dharma transmitted but an outline of it in one sense, the essence of the Dharma in another. A memory jog for someone who's been in Dharma Training for years and years. Or for someone who hasn't been in monastic practice, like me, it's a crystallization of the Dharma Essence. The core of the practice. The essence.

But of course, as a literary construct, it isn't the actual Thing, for there is no Thing in actuality. As a construct, it's a lot like a recipe, ergo in a sense, it is a cookbook. 

When I stopped sitting zazen regularly, I was living in San Francisco. This was during the Jim Jones/People's Temple era. There were a lot of nascent cults and cultists around. It was post-Hippie, but there was still plenty of Counterculture, much of it by then a kind of money-making grift or in some cases outright crime. Now of  course that definition will change with time, so I'm not being judgmental. It's merely a case that the Counterculture, for all its merits and good works was also the hothouse of so much that was not merit or good works. It was, for its time, the epitome of selfishness and self-absorption as well.

Unfortunately, in those days, I saw the City Temple of the San Francisco Zen Center in the same way -- an epitome of selfishness in the guise of Zen from ages past. This was judgmental, and I'm not sure it was either appropriate or useful, but it kept me away from there, away from the form while still continuing the practice on my own. I had a Zen corner in my apartment just as I had had pretty much everywhere I'd lived, and I sat zazen at least once and often twice a day for 20 minutes to half an hour at a time. Longer, in those days, seemed like overkill. 

But much as I recognized the zeitgeist of selfishness in others and the context of their lives, I too was being selfish. For heaven's sake. If you're seeing it in someone else, you're seeing it in yourself. You are seeing yourself. So as I sat my selfish zazen, recognizing my own selfishness, and sitting anyway, something changed. Sitting zazen one day, I entered what I came to call The Void. This was not the calmness of counting breaths, or contemplating a koan (which you don't do during zazen anyway) or a meditational state (samadhi). No, this was something else, very much something else, a state of both oneness and nothingness, a unification with what we might call The Ground State of Being. There was no there there, there was no not-there there. It was all One and all Nothing. 

Magical in some ways, maybe. Terrifying in others.

And Zen practitioners had been warned about this. It could happen, this entering The Void, at almost any time in one's practice, and if it did, don't take it as Enlightenment, because it probably wasn't. Though it might be. Instead, let it happen, don't try to manipulate or control it (you can't) and get with a Dharma teacher to help understand or grasp or accept what happened. 

Well, my Dharma teachers were the texts I studied frequently but not rigorously -- it wasn't scholarly study at all -- and memories, you might say, of Suzuki Roshi who had brought Zen as I knew it to America. 

Suzuki Roshi had died not long before I moved to San Francisco, but around the same time as his death, a collection of his talks was published -- "Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind" -- that I gravitated to and therein found the purest, clearest essence of what is I could imagine. 

So those were my Dharma teachers, and to a one, they said to me: "Don't get caught up in Experience, whether that Experience is The Void or something else. Don't be caught up. Let go. Come to know your nature and your purpose, but avoid getting caught up them, either." 

Let go.

It's all so much more and larger than you are. Let go.

After some experience with sitting and The Void, I let go of them. Every time I would sit zazen, I would enter The Void, and then I came to realize that The Void was a constant. It wasn't happening just when I sat. It was always. The Void was never not there, but I was in and part of the material world, not The Void, and thus had a purpose and that was To Serve. 

How we get to the point of recognizing the purpose To Serve, I still don't know, but it happened, and the Jewel Mirror Samadhi was a part of it. In fact, it pointed the way and was the foundation of a pretty fundamental change in my life. 

I've described the "dream" of leaving my apartment, walking to Union Square, sitting zazen on a bench with an old Chinese gentleman, walking around the Square, and then to Market Street, and back up to my apartment on Geary, and having the whole scene repeat during zazen practice last year. This actually happened after my encounter with The Void in the '70s, and it was part of what led to changing my life.

That it came back so clearly and stunningly last year was startling to say the least, and it's been something of a struggle to suss out why. I don't necessarily have an answer, but it is what it is. 

I left San Francisco and dedicated whatever remained of my life to finding out and acting on the needs of others in my immediate realm. 

And absorbing the Jewel Mirror Samadhi was key.

A cookbook? Sure, why not?

The raccoon roars like a lion. Kitten purrs in my ear.


Monday, January 17, 2022

Bread Karma

Made some soda bread yesterday. We like it. It's quick and easy. No multi-day fermentation of poolish and all the other wonderful yeasty complexity that goes into practically all other forms of bread-making. 

We'll make yeast bread from time to time, but it takes time -- generally all day or overnight or in some cases a couple-three days to get things just right. I think about the housewives who made their own bread daily or every three days or every week or whatever, and I truly wonder how they did it, how they kept their sanity, how they kept their energy level high enough to oversee their yeasty dough, to knead it, to shape it, to patiently let it rise, to bake and cool it, and then to slice it for toasting and serving. They made their own butter to serve with it, too. 

Skill is not the half of it. Much more needed to go into it than merely skill. That's the quality of the bakery in town where skilled bakers create dozens of loaves of simple-same bread every day. They are fine. But they also lack some of the character that the home baker gives to their bread-products. So, my admiration goes both ways, toward the home baker and toward the bakery-baker. Skill and character.

Soda bread is our preferred option when waiting for yeast dough would take too long. A soda bread has no yeast, just bicarbonate and "buttermilk." Well, you can't get real buttermilk at the grocery store in our little hamlet, so we make a substitute by putting a tablespoon of white vinegar in two cups of whole or 2% milk (we almost always use 2%). It works fine. 4 cups of AP flour, 1 1/2 tsp baking soda, 1/2 tsp salt (or to taste), 2 cups "buttermilk"; mix thoroughly but gently. Do not knead. Put on floured or cornmealed parchment on a baking sheet. Form into a round. Cut an X or cross into the top. Bake at 425 for 20 minutes, then 375 for 20 minutes more. Check for doneness by tapping on the bottom of the loaf. Sound hollow? It's done. If a little dull sounding, bake another 10 minutes or so. Cool enough to be able to slice without crushing-mooshing. Slather with butter. Eat.

No skill required. Not much patience, either. Character? Sure.

I don't know whether any of my ancestors were into bread making. Probably not. I know my mother never made bread in her life, and I doubt her mother or grandmother did either. My father couldn't be bothered, and his mother had servants to do the housework. Did they make bread? Maybe. Then going back a little farther to the Irish and German immigrants who started my father's line in America: did they make their own bread? I think probably they did. The Irish ones probably made soda bread. The Germans, yeast bread. 

I don't know enough about their lives in Ireland and Germany, and apart from the Great Famine and all the wars, I don't know why they left for America when they did c.1849-1854.

My father never talked about it. My impression was that his grandparents -- the immigrants -- never talked about it either. I know his Irish grandparents made up stories about who they were and where they came from and sometimes those stories changed so much they by the time they got to my father and me they were so tangled up they were little more than nonsense. When I started untangling those stories and got rid of some of the fantasy, the "real story" was perhaps much sadder than anyone wanted it to be -- thus the many made-up stories of some grandeur. As for the Germans, I never knew much of anything about them except that my father's German grandmother never learned English, so it was hard to communicate with her, and my father's mother was deaf, so it was hard to communicate with her, too.

Karma enters into the equation when I consider who these people were and who I came from. Jack Kerouac wrote a biography of the Buddha called "Wake Up!" in the years before he became famous after the publication of "On the Road" in 1957. It's very simple and straightforward, something like the Lives of the Saints (for children) in Catholic literature. In it, Kerouac proposes that what's called "karma" is in reality mostly a matter of genetic inheritance. Your past lives are for the most part the lives of your ancestors and your genetic inheritance comes through them to you. And that is the basis for your karma; but it may not be the whole of your karma. There may be other elements, known and unknown, that shape who you are. The Buddha, after all, discovers there is more to his Being than simply what he inherits from his ancestors. Oh, so very much more. He has karmic inheritance through many twisted, tangled paths. Lives upon lives. Buddhas upon Buddhas. Universes upon universes.

Becoming aware of it all can be overwhelming.

And so for most of us, we live our lives without becoming aware. It's easier and safer in some ways. But in others, it's unsatisfying. One still has questions; one still wants to know. 

I've found out, though, perhaps more than I wanted to know. But only so much, in the end, that I could handle.

The inheritance from my ancestors is very twisted and tangled, and some of it, I think, is very tragic, horrible, and deeply sad. This comes through both parents. For a time, I wondered if my father was actually my father, for we seem not to have hit it off as father and son at all. How could he be my biological father if we were so distant from one another and never truly connected? Well, but that's part of the karmic load, I came to realize, that I inherited, and not just from him.

Why, I wondered, was my mother so... disturbed and often cruel. What had I done to trigger her rage? But then, I came to understand that she, like me, carried a karmic load she could not dispense with, nor indeed could I undo the karma I was born with.

My mother's maternal grandfather was murdered by his mistress. Her father may have been murdered, too. Her insight into these events was that both her father and grandfather were "bad men." Both her husbands were equally "bad" -- or maybe worse. And that all transferred to me and my sister.  My mother couldn't help the way she felt about us and them. It was her karma.

Lord knows how far back any of this stretched. I would say as far back as any of her ancestors could be traced, and just so with my father's tangled ancestry. Who these people were is as complicated as the most complex bread-making we can imagine.

I think of a sourdough starter for example that takes literally forever and lasts forever -- or it can. The yeast from the air which starts the process goes back to the origin of yeast, whenever that was, and the process, when done correctly, can maintain the "starter" indefinitely, indeed forever. Creating the Perfect Sourdough Bread is seen as a goal in life for some bread-bakers, to the point of obsession, of trying over and over and over again to get it Just Right, and never quite succeeding. Perfection is just out of reach. Something wasn't done quite right, so try again. And again. And again. Karma is a lot like that.

And then there's me and my soda bread. One and done. 

It doesn't have to be Perfect. It doesn't take Forever. It's Good Enough.

All this is vaguely related to our study text for this Practice Period/Ango, "The Song of the Jewel Mirror Samadhi." At some point, I think I'll try to delve into what it meant to me 50-some-odd years ago when I first absorbed the teaching. How it affected and led to a profound change in the course of my life, and yet how strong and heavy is the karmic load I carry.

One day.... 😉