Not Stable Yet

 I'm inundated with calls and tests and appointments and trying to figure out how to get from here to there, sometimes just around the house, what to do, what not to do, etc. etc. It's overwhelming at times. Other times I get to rest which is good. 

When I went to the hospital I was in a lot of pain, mostly lower back and hips. I'm taking a lot of prescription opioids now, and the pain is well-controlled, but I know it's there. When I left the hospital I was very weak, especially my legs, and this was after falling repeatedly before I was hospitalized. It came on without warning, very suddenly, and I couldn't make sense of it. Up to that point, I thought I was recovering well if slowly from the infection last year. 

Turns out this is not that. I saw the MRI comparisons between last year and this year, and they are quite different except for one thing: both show lesions on the spine and hips. This year's MRI shows many more lesions on the spine especially. This and the PSA number in the 400s and the biopsy results showing definite prostate carcinoma were the basis for a diagnosis of "advanced prostate cancer" (stage 4).

This is a death sentence. So is being born, so I'm not making too much of it. But I did ask how much longer I might have, and the optimistic prognosis was "4-5 years." Amazing if it turns out that way. But it could only be months, too. We never know.

Early therapy and medications have started slowing the spread of cancer, but it's not likely to reverse. I'm stronger, but I'm not stable yet; lots of ups and downs. Many challenges getting to and from the car, in and out for tests at various locations around Albuquerque -- so many, jeeze; so much travel. And then physical therapy here in my little village.

Ms. Ché has been amazing, incredible, both as caregiver and major cheerleader. She's very aware of the meaning of all the terms and efforts, and she's been right there all the time for whatever is needed. I can't thank her enough -- for being there. I'm not worthy. 

Every day is something new. But every day is a day of growth. Learning. Gratitude. Giving. Appreciation.

Now it's almost time for my night-time morphine. More as I learn more.